On Kai Farr & "Conditioning" by Emma Garner
If you know Kai Farr, you know he is not at all interested in doing anything halfway. Intellectual yet grounded, kind but hilariously cutting, he’s the person you’d listen to tell a single story for hours on end just to hear how he explains the most minute of details. He throws himself so wholly into his ideas and somehow manages to get everyone around him just as excited about them as he is.
I met Kai on the very first day of freshman year at Boston University in our dormitory, a poorly-converted Howard Johnson’s motel. Little did I know that this black mold-infested HoJo would lead me to one of the most wonderful friendships and beautiful, blossoming creative collaborations of my life. We’ve spent the last five years running around and amongst one another, both personally and professionally – through countless late-night production meetings, rehearsals, rewrites, and whatever other ridiculous artistic endeavors we’ve managed to talk ourselves into. I’ve had the honor of directing Kai a few times in my life: first, in a college production of Pippin (he played King Charlemagne – truly, a piece-de-resistance performance), and most recently, in Stratos Eleftheriou’s Laughter Therapy at the New York Theatre Festival, which he script-doctored and ultimately won the Best Short Play award for. Watching Kai’s skills as a multihyphenate develop and flourish in every sense of the word has been nothing short of a pleasure.
So when Kai told me he was writing Conditioning, a play rooted in his own experiences, I was thrilled – not only because I knew how much he had to say, but because I knew how perfectly he would be able to say it. The passion, curiosity, and ferocious, rapt attention to detail with which he approaches his work are unmatched, and seeing that focus on such a personal yet necessary story is extraordinarily special.
I sat down with Kai last week to discuss the making of Conditioning, what it’s like to write, direct, and star in your own piece, specifically in queer media, and the joy of watching your work come to life. Very soon, all of you will have the privilege of watching his work come to life, too.
Emma
Hi. Who are you?
Kai
Hi, it's me, Kai Farr.
Emma
Really delightful to be chatting with you, Kai Farr. So I heard you wrote and are starring in and directing a play called Conditioning. Can you tell me a little bit about the play? Give me the rundown.
Kai
Absolutely. Conditioning is about two trans guys who meet through weightlifting training. They have very, very different perspectives on what it means to not only be a trans person but to be a man, and very different relationships with masculinity. They discuss sex, vulnerability, internal strength, and external strength – it's their journey of trying to understand one another a little bit better.
Emma
Talk to me a little bit about the process of writing this. Where did the idea for the play come from? How long have you been working on this?
Kai
The idea came to me about six months ago because, I mean, obviously, trans people are a hot topic of debate right now. And on top of that, so is masculinity, you know? We're at a very, very interesting crossroads in society. We're at a breaking point in history where gender is at the top of mind for so many people, and it's all across the political spectrum. Whether you're trying to destroy the binary or expand it, rework it, or uphold it, you're thinking about it. Everyone's thinking about gender, and everyone's thinking about what it means to abide by it or transcend it. I wanted to tell a story of gender, specifically masculinity, that's rarely told, and that's the story of the trans guy. I feel that, with trans guys, it's kind of controversial – this idea of opting into masculinity. With gender and sexuality, we know it's not a choice, but we all, whether we realize it or not, opt in and opt out of certain gendered expectations. I wanted to delve into a story of someone whose masculinity was not assumed at birth, who society didn't give that privilege at birth. They had to earn it, not just in society's eyes, but in their own.
Emma
Beautifully put. Have you had any particular experiences or observations about the world that led you to write this now?
Kai
I mean, millions. I grew up in a fairly conservative upstate New York town, and I was stealth. It felt like I had no option to be out. That wasn't even presented to me. My parents were super supportive, but they were scared. I was the first trans person in my elementary school, and they wanted the easiest life possible for their child, so people knew I was trans on a very need-to-know basis. But that made it a secret, and secrets are associated with negativity, deception, and lying. And so all of those things that I associated with the idea of secrets, I associated with transness. Transness became something that was taking away from positive attributes about me. Like, I'm great at this, this, and this, but I have this secret, and I'm lying to people. That stuck with me for a very long time… it still does. Because of that, a lot of my process of writing this piece was grappling with my own internalized transphobia. I have met a lot of guys who, especially when you transition younger, have the privilege of passing. With that privilege comes the ability to hide that part of yourself, but that's a very lonely way to discover who you really are.
Emma
It’s a very lonely way to go about life in general.
Kai
For sure.
Emma
So, you have these two characters with two different perspectives on transness – one person who transitioned when they were very young, and one who transitioned later in life and has a completely different perspective on being trans and masculinity as a whole. What made you want to put these two conversations in conjunction with one another?
Kai
I really wanted to delve into the spectrum of transmasculinity, with one side of it being: “I'm just a guy who happens to be trans, and that's the end of it,” and the other side being a trans guy who fully embraces that part of his identity and fully sees himself as part of the queer community. I've met plenty of guys on both [ends of the spectrum], and I see a very interesting tension between those two types of trans guys. I wanted to bring that to the forefront because it's like, damn, we're all a part of this community, but there is a very harsh divide here, and sometimes these perspective differences… they don't fuck with each other a lot of the time. There’s a lot of shitting on each other, for many different reasons, between those two groups. So I wanted to take those two perspectives, put them in a room together, and make them work through it.
Emma
You mention you want to put these perspectives, these characters, in a room together – the concept of location in this play must be huge. What drew you to the spots you're using and what do they say about the characters and sex and gender as a whole?
Kai
Based on conversations I’ve had with trans guys, and guys in general, the bar, the bedroom, and the gym seem to be very masculine-dominated spaces. I wanted to play with that – especially with two guys who were opting into this idea of manhood, meaning the way they are treated in those spaces is completely different than what they might have been used to in the past. One of them has spent almost his entire life being treated as a man in these spaces, but the other hasn't. I wanted to unpack what it means to be treated as part of the patriarchy when you haven’t spent your entire life that way.
Emma
You've answered this a little bit, but what do you want this play to get across about the trans experience that you aren't seeing represented elsewhere in media or in theatre in particular?
Kai
Ultimately, I want people to see trans characters with nuance. I've struggled throughout this process with feeling like these two characters represent a very specific, small slice of the whole pie of transness. There's this pressure to make a piece that speaks to all different types of trans people because I know trans people are hungry for a story that is for them and speaks to them. And so I've been really grappling with the fact that I can tell my story, but pushing a narrative of an experience I haven't had might actually do more damage. I’d be no better than a cis person who's telling a story based on stereotypes. But I hope that my very small slice of experience with transness can contain enough nuance to inspire other people to support trans artists to get this stuff out there. Your story does matter, and people are aching for it.
Emma
Following up, you are also starring in and co-directing this project. Was this always the plan? Was there ever a universe where you weren't in this?
Kai
The character Kel, who I'm playing, is based so closely on my relationship with myself that I always had me in mind. I did put out an initial casting call for everyone before I realized I wanted to play it. Frankly, we need more access to trans and queer actors because casting the show was a struggle. I found an amazing, amazing cast, and I know so many trans actors are out there, but it was difficult to uplift them and get them to audition. We need to make a much larger effort to broadcast these things to the trans community. But [with Kel] I think it eventually became pretty clear that I needed to go in. I'm playing a less mature, less comfortable version of myself up there.
Emma
That's very hard to revert back to a specific version of yourself.
Kai
Oh, it's been tough. It's been really tough in this process. I feel it. I am not the type of actor who can just leave everything at the door. But it's been really cool to wear all these different hats. It's insane that I'm doing this on the first play that I’ve written alone. I'm doing all of this stuff and making it happen, making it work.
Emma
As you always do. How has the rehearsal process been for you, holding down the fort in these three separate roles?
Kai
It's been really good. The writing is so fluid. We are changing things all the time, and I feel so lucky to watch it happen. Leo Osborn, the amazing actor who’s playing our other lead character, and his relationship with his identity have brought so much to the show. The foundation is really built upon our own experiences. I know some writers are like, “My word is God”, but that is not me. I love to scrap, change, and cut based on the input of Leo and everyone in the room. And I'm lucky enough to have found people who are cool with that. Jumping back and forth between director and actor is always tough, but luckily I have an amazing co-director, Amanda Primosch.
Emma
You're co-directing with Amanda! What's it been like to work with a close friend of yours? What has she brought to the play that you may not have thought of originally?
Kai
Amanda has directed me in the past, so I knew she had an impressive way of keeping rehearsals casual and making everyone feel comfortable, but her notes are still very clear. She is not a nitpicker on stuff – she really lets the actors play, which I love. And that has been so great, especially because when you have two directors, you can feel easily overwhelmed as an actor. She has also been really good about knowing that as a cis person, there are certain scenes where she’s able to say, “I am just here to help with blocking. I understand that the two actors here are gonna understand this in a way that I won't. I know that that's not my experience, and that's not my place to do that.” She always asks before jumping in with feedback. It's been really cool. And I mean, basically my whole cast and crew are queer people, so that’s amazing, too.
Emma
It’s huge! And still not very common, which is wild, especially considering the medium itself. A story like this needs it. What has surprised you the most about the transition from writing this script to actually putting it on its feet?
Kai
It seems cliché, but hearing the characters' voices and seeing them come to life spurred so much change. The dynamics between the characters, how they spoke to each other, the conflict... I mean, our entire ending changed. Seeing how people embody the characters, seeing it come to life, it's so much better than when it started because I have the input of the cast and crew. Everyone's fingers have been in the pie. I don't know if that's a saying, but everyone's fingers are in it.
Emma
It is now. Everyone's fingering the pie.
Kai
Yep. Everyone is fingering the pie.
Emma
For a play to be good, everyone needs to finger the pie. That pie needs to be destroyed.
Kai
Absolutely. Yeah, it's really got to be beaten to a pulp.
Emma
Great idiom. What does it mean to you to have this be the first major piece of writing that you've put up and to have this particular story find a place in New York?
Kai
Honestly, I was not sure what was going to happen with this show… I think I can comfortably say now, and I will put it out there, that it got picked up for a New York City Fringe Festival, which is very exciting, in April 2027. But just seeing that people are willing to put it up and want to have the story told feels really good because, again, that was not my experience with transness, you know? I was told that this is something that you hide away. The whole thing has been very affirming for me. It's a new thing for me to write a play. It's a new thing for me to talk about my transness. And it's a new thing for me to see it be celebrated.
Emma
You should be so proud of yourself. This is wildly impressive, and Lord knows how difficult it is to get anything made these days. So the fact that you’re able to see the fruits of your labor; see people believing in you, in your story, and are confident that it will succeed is beautiful. Last but not least, we already spoke a little bit about the future of this play, but when people walk out of the theater, what is the major thing you want them to take away from this?
Kai
Great question. Here's what I'll say: there is no one way to tell this story. If you’re confused by the story, that’s because it is a story by and for trans people, and it is on you to see and consume more trans media. I want people to be eager to hear from more trans people. That's what I want. It’s time to sit down and listen to what we have to say.
Emma
You are absolutely brilliant. Kai, it's been a joy to speak to you. You can see Conditioning at the Tada Theatre on Friday, October 23rd, at 9 P.M. and Sunday, October 25th, at 7 P.M.
Friday Tickets: https://www.tickettailor.com/events/sparktheatrefestival/2345902
Sunday Tickets: https://www.tickettailor.com/events/sparktheatrefestival/2354136
